The Narrative of an Early Bloomer

WARNING

:::I'm going to be discussing very personal, private and even controversial subjects:::

:::This post is about my personal struggles as an early bloomer and the many issues I faced oftentimes on my own and that I still face today:::

:::I know that those who follow my blog are all mature enough to not be offended by what I have to say:::

Back in June, Olivia Rish wrote her explosive post, Christian Purity: Things That Apparently Need to Be Said. I (and many others it appeared) were blown away at Olivia's account of the damage that 'purity culture' has done to young women. As I was reading her well researched, insightful and rather humorous post, my eyes were open to a great deal of issues in my life that I had buried deep because of shame and guilt. 

This was the comment that I left on Olivia's post:

First off, the fact that you were able to incorporate so many great gifs and memes to this otherwise very serious post was great!

I've read several of these books when I was between 18-21 years old. And most of these kind of books were pretty repetitive. The idea that women can't initiate anything is ridiculous. Yet, keep in mind, many of these books come from conservative, anti-feminist perspective. So, any idea of a woman taking charge in any situation is frowned upon. These people would totally hate my parents and the women in my family.

BTW, I'm not saying that what you wrote is advocating feminism in anyway whatsoever or at least modern day third day feminism. You balanced everything out very well.

Another things that has always aggravated me is the idea that all men think the same way and all women think the same way. These Christian writers are forever driveling on about how men are more physical than women. Than women crave romance and poetry and are not into the physical aspects of sex and intimacy.

It wasn't until I read what you wrote that I realized how damaging those supposed gender separated ideals were to me growing up. I was an early bloomer. I got my period when I was 10 and therefore, I became sexually mature at a young age. However, I was still very much a little girl. Because I was so shy about the subject of sex, I had a hard time talking to my mother or my sisters about it. So, here I am at 10-11 years old, my body is changing and I have these intense feeling, emotions and worse of all, thoughts that are all sexually beyond my comprehension. I was scared and confused. Without going into too much detail, it led me down some paths that I was completely unaware of how, lets say...controversial. It wasn't until I got older that I begin to understand and then by that time, I was plagued by horrific guilt. I thought that I was filthy and there was something wrong with me. Then I read these books about purity and how woman don't respond to the physical, which left me thinking, "There is something wrong with me! I'm not suppose to feel this way!" Needless to say it's been an on going battle that I struggle with, but to be honest, at almost 30 years old, I've taken the mindset of what I do with my body and my mind is between me and God.

Oh and that letter excerpt from Jim Elliot to Betty...OMG! Jim totally nailed the female porn aspect there. Well done. Yet, Jim can't lay his head down on Betty's lap without getting guilty?? All people are different and imposing how you do things as the right was only causes dissension and aggravation.

If what I've written comes off as too personal, I understand if you choose not to post it. However, you really got many things right and a lot that needed to be said. The Christian Purity movement has done a great deal of damage to girls and women. Putting their emotions and feelings in a box and just ignoring them or guilt tripping them because they don't fall into the proper guidelines of what true Christian womenhood is.

Of course Olivia's response to my comment was sweet and supportive. However, I was very hesitant to post that much about my personal life, because that is the first time I have ever actually talked about my struggle as an early bloomer. I've never spoken to my mother or my sisters about the difficulties in that much detail before. Maybe a couple of things, that I'll bring up later, but really my early pre-teen, teenage years as an early bloomer were very lonely, very unsure and very frightening. 

It's taken me a while to admit, but I was born with a high sex drive. At a young age I had an unusual interest in my body. Coming from a big family where I bathed with my brothers from babyhood till about 5 years old, nothing was really hidden from me. I'm the middle of my family and right in between all the boys. There's a 7 years age difference between me and my older sister, and a 7 years age difference between me and my younger sister. My brothers never really wanted me around, so I was alone quite a lot with no one to talk and I tended to live in my head, due to the immense loneliness that I was in. 

Between the ages of 8 and 10, I began to have strong, sexual thoughts and feelings. I didn't understand them, but I knew instinctively that they were wrong. Or at least my Christian faith that I was raised in would have seen it as sinful. For years I was plagued with guilt for 'bad, inappropriate and impure thoughts.' I went to my parents and their advice was to pray. Pray for forgivness for the bad thoughts and pray that God will give you something else to think about. 

And with prayer came anxiety and guilt. The more I prayed the more God seemed so distant from me. I could tell my mother was growing weary with my constant, tearful confessions of my 'bad thoughts,' that were making me feel so guilty. To add to that I was also going through mild depression/anxiety that was accompanied by incessant crying. I cried so much at one point that my mother told me it was sinful and I had to stop.

I guess my mother finally realized that I was actually heading into early puberty and sat me down and explained to me about sex and what I was going through. I was simply growing up faster than most girls. Soon, I would start bleeding, my body would start changing and hopefully things would straighten out for me. 

They would only get worse.

I remember my first period as if it were yesterday. It was two months after my 10th birthday and shortly after my mom had finally had the talk with me. It was on a cold, rainy January afternoon and I think it was a Saturday. My whole family had been watching a Crocodile Hunter marathon (RIP Steve Irwin, such an icon of my childhood) and my mom was making this big ham dinner. My stomach had been hurting all day. I went to the bathroom and found the proof that my childhood was over with. 

Yahh! My period finally came. Did I care? Not really. For a while nothing really changed for me. I was still playing with Barbie dolls and watching PB&J with my brothers. Yet it wasn't too long before the onset of puberty began to really take a grasp on me. 

Lets head back to my comment on Olivia's post.

So, here I am at 10-11 years old, my body is changing and I have these intense feeling, emotions and worse of all, thoughts that are all sexually beyond my comprehension. I was scared and confused. Without going into too much detail, it led me down some paths that I was completely unaware of how, lets say...controversial. 

The controversy being the discovery of masturbation as a young and very innocent child. A habit I came across one night. I blame Lord of The Rings for it too. The Fellowship of the Ring had just premiered and lent a great deal to my sexual awakening. I was still at that stage where I hated boys with every ounce of my fiber. Growing up with a lot of brothers who aggravated me to no end; and got away with everything while I always got the blame is enough to make any girl an early feminist. Ok, I'll admit I had a crush on a couple of boys in my Sunday School, but it was just fun. 

Anyways, I was 10 when The Fellowship of the Ring premiered and all of a sudden I wasn't watching a movie with annoying boys, but with tall, attractive men (thank you Orlando Bloom).** I didn't mind that they were so much older than me. However, due to puberty this sudden interest in older men began to swirl and delve deeper into my subconscious and my early struggle with 'bad thoughts,' were magnified to an extreme. My mind was in absolute sexual overload. I needed a way out, to empty my mind and find some sense of calm and peace. And my body provided that outlet.

That night would be the start of a lifelong struggle and the constant war over 'is it right or wrong?' I never told anybody about my masturbation habit. I was too afraid to. Between 10 and 13 it was just something to ease my hypersexual thoughts and emotions. Then I started reading about what a controversial subject it was and how it was seen of evil and sinful in the church. 

It wasn't until I got older that I begin to understand and then by that time, I was plagued by horrific guilt. I thought that I was filthy and there was something wrong with me.

Unfortunately for me, I came to this realization right in the middle of the Purity culture movement. Purity rings, abstinent pledges, courtship vs dating, father/daughter purity balls and of course, the well meaning but ultimately damaging guidebooks to female Christian purity. Need we say anymore on that subject. 

Then I read these books about purity and how woman don't respond to the physical, which left me thinking, "There is something wrong with me! I'm not suppose to feel this way!" 

For years I read these books in hopes that it would better me and cure me of my insatiable nature. Yet, they only guilt tripped me. Over and over again they repeated that "Men are physically attached, women are emotionally attached". I was made to feel like a damaged creature. I never cared about romance or flirting or even the emotion that was so often preached in these books. I didn't want flowers or romantic dates or sweet words. I wanted a guy to kiss me, touch me, make me feel desire and passion and I wanted to do the same in return. 

So if the Christian purity guides weren't working, I went and found another outlet. Fanfiction. The Christian purity books were right about one thing. Women way may not look at porn, but they love to read it. I like to joke that I learned more about the facts of life from fanfiction than I ever did from my mom. And it's true. The smuttier, the better. This too would be a constant habit of mine and usually between the masturbation and the fanfiction I was able to relieve myself entirely from my high libido. 

For years I struggled on and off of whether I should tell my mom about my habit. Eventually when I was about 16 or 17 I did. Surprisingly she took it casually and said that I would be fine and hopefully it would pass. I was relieved by this. (Of course no mention of the fanfiction, which I was reading on the family computer). However, my struggle did persist. My mom was as supportive as she could be, but her answer was still to pray and read my Bible. I found this difficult as prayer and Bible reading was associated with my childhood innocence.

And my mom would often tell me that because I was an early bloomer my innocence was still very much a part of me. I would take me longer to mature or let my mind and body catch up with each other. At this point my mind and body were at constant war with each other. A private war that I was fighting alone.

How many times in these Christian purity books was it mentioned that masturbation was essentially stealing your body from your future husband? Young women are dealing with high sex drives and emotions and all they want to to do is guilt trip women and make them believe that a nonexistent man has some claim over your body?? I had gotten that speech too which only angered me more.

Then the final blow came. The moment when I essentially said screw it to God and everyone. My brothers were casually talking to my mom and my sister about masturbation. Both of them replied that it was completely natural and even encourage for guys to do it. I wasn't a part of the conversation, but let me tell you, I was mad as all living hellfire. 

If a woman masturbates then she's being unfaithful to her future husband. 

If a guy masturbates well then that's just normal. Boys will be boys. 

If there is anything that I hate, abhor and despise more, it's double standards. I have lived with double standards my whole life. And that these double standards concerning what was acceptable for men but looked down upon for women came from the mouth of my mother and sister, then my reaction was essentially

My fucking body, my fucking choice

Since then, my habit has become a nonissue for me. I really don't care. Because it has never done any mental or emotional damage to me at all. If anything it's helped me calm down my libido and rid me of guilt and the disdain I had for myself. When guys become interested in me, I take it calmly and casually. I didn't jump at the first guy who looked in my direction and I've become quite a pro at turning guys down.

When I was in college I had fun with guys and not once did I have any sexual reactions. We talked about sex casually with no sexual repercussions. I would put my legs up on their laps and they would tickle me and guess what, I still went home that night a virgin. All these horror stories about how masturbation would damage girls and women and make them so sexually hypersensitive to guys if they touched them, it's absolute bullshit. 

Am I advocating that masturbation is right? No. Because everyone is different and people deal with their desires differently. Being a generally closed off person, I could compartmentalize my feelings and not let them control me. Christian society has no right to guilt trip women about their own private decisions. And certainly not force this idea of a future husband-who is not even in their lives yet-and how they should steer every emotion and thought into pleasing him. Women should focus on themselves during their single years. And if a man is unable to accept you for what you have done in the past, then clearly he's the problem. You are better off alone and independent. 

Can masturbation be harmful? Yes, I believe so. It depends on how strong the person is and contrary to what people might think, I consider myself a strong person. However, it still remains that a woman's body is her own and even in marriage she still have some autonomous control over it. 

Maybe if I had tried to be more open to my mom or my older sisters about sex and my emotions when I was younger then maybe things would have gone differently. Fear of self expression or being looked down on drives people into corners with little to help them. It's taken 20 years, but I'm finally beginning to break out of my shell and release myself of the guilt and the self doubt that society put me through for so long. 

Wow. So I cannot believe that I actually just wrote all of this. When I said that I've never ever talked to anyone about this, I mean it. I'm seriously not advocating for masturbation for all people, but I don't think the issue should just be labeled 'BAD AND SINFUL' either. Anything done in excess is damaging. And anything can be controlled too. Eating and drinking isn't wrong. Gluttony and drunkenness is. Taking medicine isn't wrong, but becoming an addict is. I don't think masturbation is necessarily wrong, but it can't take the place of a real, sexual relationship either. And I'm looking forward to that as well. There has to be boundaries in every situation. And it is for the individual, not society to draw their own. 

**Also a big shoutout to Hayden Christensen and Ewan McGregor in Attack of the Clones. Both had their own fair share in my sexual awakening...and now you know the real reason as to why I love that movie.**