Currently: Fall 2021

With winter just around the corner and Christmas less than a week away, I figured I should do a recap of Fall. I've actually been purposely putting off doing this post because these last several months have been the darkest and most stressful months I've had in a long while. Emotionally, mentally, physically. At both work and at home. I've sunk into depressions so deep that I was unable to do my job. I ruined my own birthday. I've made enemies at work. I have never felt more alone, afraid and cut off from the world. I've cried more in the last 90 days than I have in my whole life. 

I've had depression for a while, but I wasn't really sure it if was actual depression or not. Whenever I brought the issue up with my mother, she would just brush it off and say that I've always had a melancholy attitude or I'm just always living under a black cloud. So, I've just gone along trying the best that I can to be happy, but situations that were either out of my control or could have handled better have really beaten me down and left me with an immense sense of guilt, shame, anger and fear. 

The start of my problems literally started the first day of fall. If you remember (before I deleted the posts), I was finally made employee of the month. However, I was disappointed by the lack of celebration and how it seemed like just a last minute decision. Of course it wasn't and it was soon cleared up. 

Then the problems with my co-workers came. One new co-worker who just out of the blue decided that she didn't like me, informed me that she didn't want me talking to her and was causing a great deal of stress and drama. Another older co-worker complained that I was doing a terrible job because I didn't say good morning to him. In spite of my best efforts to be friendly with him he completely ignores me. However, he congratulated another co-worker right in front of me complimenting her and telling her that her work was the best he had seen in such a long time.

Afterwards, I made a terrible misconception about my former boss, who has been nothing but a good friend to me. I should have known better and I said some terrible things online about her. Eventually that too was cleared up and I'm glad to because she's really been the primary person that's been getting me through these rough times. Yet, it seems like my life has been nothing but accusations towards me and my own misconceptions towards other people. 

Then came my birthday. For my 31st birthday, my sister and I were going to go to Washington D.C. However, she badly hurt her back and we had to cancel the trip. I ended up driving to Williamsburg and had an enjoyable weekend by myself. Then the day of my birthday came and a text message I sent to my mom ended up ruining the whole day. It was so bad, that my dad was furious at me and yelled at me when I was trying to explain to him my reasons for the text message. The night ended with my mother and I fighting with each other. 

Many of these issues have come about from situations that happened years ago that angered me, but I was too afraid to confront them at the time. Possibly for fear of no one listening or being accused of being...well typical melancholy me. I've always felt that I'm the family joke. My family is frequently joking on me and never seems to take me seriously. Maybe a couple of times it's fine, but when the joking seems to be more and more frequent, then you begin to wonder if it's really fun or if they really do feel this way about me. That I'm a joke, that I'm an idiot, that I will never understand the inside meaning. And it hurts never really knowing the truth.

All of this plus the stress and long hours of work have begun to beat me down. My brother told me to go to a therapist. I've actually wanted to see a therapist for a while, but was too afraid of a negative reaction from my family. However, I've finally contacted a Christian therapist and we've set up our first session for this Wednesday.

My decision to see a therapist came about after yet another issue from work. While joking around with a co-worker I (with no intent to be malicious or cruel) said something that she found to be incredibly offensive. I apologized to her immediately and then I sent her an apology through text the next day. However, since that day and everytime she's at work she does not acknowledge me at all. I felt so terrible for what I had said that I couldn't eat and ended up not going to a party that I had been invited to that night. I was so overwhelmed with shame that I simply couldn't function properly at all. That's when I finally decided to seek counseling. 

It's pretty obvious that my job is the common denominator to about 95% of my problems. It's a good job and I work with some good people. Actually, I was thinking about it the other night how many really good people I work with and how I shouldn't concern myself with those that do nothing but cause me pain and grief. I've come a long way in my job and promotion to something higher could definitely be the best way to deal with the co-workers who seem intent on making me miserable. 

And now here I am. Only a few days away from Christmas and vacation and I've finally been able to condense three months of mental and emotional pain into a few paragraphs. Fall has been so stressful that I haven't had any time to read or watch anything remotely interesting at all. Actually, because I work all day, I come home so tired that I can't stay awake and read! More book and movie reviews will be coming up and I've also been nominated for some fun tags too. My family and I are heading down to the Outer Banks for Christmas and the week away from work may do a lot of good for me. 

Reading

My annual review of the books I've read and documented on Goodreads. 

This counts, right??

I'm glad that Christmas is almost here and I'm really looking forward to our beach vacation as well. I want to make things at worker better and I want to make myself a better person. However, there's been many emotional problems that I've always been afraid to address and hopefully therapy will shed some light on being able to get through them. As for work, I don't know. Drama has just become the norm for me. I can't control the way my co-workers feel about me, but I know that I can strive to just be a hard worker and not let the opinions of a few always weigh me down. I do have people at work that do care about me and have my best interests and those are the ones I need to focus on.