So much has happened since Nov/Dec of last year that I hardly know where to begin! As my last
currently post will attest, it's been a crazy end/beginning year for me. The new year started off with some unfortunate drama, but for all that, 2023 has proven to be a good start and God knows I've been needing some solid good in my life.
To start off, my family's traditional Christmas vacation to the Outer Banks was a wonderful. I was able to take some beautiful walks along the beach or just stay back at the beach house and relax. After the horrible drama of leaving my job--which was somewhat relieved at quickly finding a new job--, it was good to take some time off and relax. Plus my vacation the prior year was ruined because I was told I would have to do the opening shift of which (I know I've mentioned numerous times) I absolutely despise. This year I had no worries about that.
As to my new job, it's going very well. However, because I left my old job so unexpectedly and immediately transitioned into a new job, it didn't really leave me time to process the mental damage that was done to me. The hurt and betrayal, remembering the happy times I would never get back, the people I both loathed and loved, the dreams I had of obtaining a corporate position one day, the loneliness and constant ache to be accepted and wanted. Four years of my life and constant loyalty all pulled out from under me. My job at the YMCA was going to be my life. It was what I had planned on to define me as a working woman. It was my hope to distinguish me from the rest of my family knowing that my years of hard work would bring me some sort of reward.
And for all that I left because they changed, not me. I refused to cave into their modern world, money grabbing, left leaning, anti-Christian track of what they considered service to society. Yet that supposed service was nothing more that a cloak for them to pander to political liberal dogma. I'll admit that I made a mistake, but their lack of forgiveness and mercy was shocking to say the least. I was willing to quietly accept what I knew to be contradictory to Christianity and turn a blind eye to what was infiltrating a institution that claimed it held traditional Christian values. Yet I hit my breaking point. I couldn't fake my loyalty anymore and I simply walked away.
No, I didn't walk, I ran.
All the above to say that because I transitioned so quickly, and with no time to process what I had been going through, I went into this new job with much fear and trepidation. I put a smile on my face becsause I was relieved that I escaped. However the painful memories of my former job have left their mark. Fear, anxiety, doubt and little to no self value plague me every single day. It's easy for my co-workers and my boss to say to move on, but how do I move on from a life that I had built my hopes and dreams on?
I'm taking it day by day. I'm careful and cautious; trying not to get to close or too personal. Some days are easier than others and there are times when I do panic over what I said or did or didn't do. However, overcoming any type of former drama takes time. And there have been some really good things that have been produced from this job as well. Like I said, it's day by day.
Either than my work nothing else has really been that big or exciting. Well, I was in my sister's church play for Easter Sunday. Even though I was an extra it was so much fun being back on stage and going through whole show process again. Back at my old church (the one I grew up in) I was in a lot of stage productions and I had forgotten how much fun it could be.
The last two weeks have been misery for my health. I have been hit with the worst seasonal allergies I have ever experienced. Sore throat, congestion, coughing, headaches, it's been awful. I just want to get better again. Being sick during beautiful weather is not fun!
Of course, I'm still keeping up with the Goodreads Reading Challenge. At the beginning of the year, I really went full force by reading 7 books in January and 6 books in February. Then by March I was completely exhausted. Literally my mind could not focus on any book at all. Even though I'm still on track, I needed to slow the pace of my reading. Hopefully, I be able to get at least 3 or 4 read by the end of this month.
Everybody have a good, happy (and healthy) spring!
Job stuff is the worst. I'm dealing with that now, I quit in distress then in the morning when I was calmer I was hoping I could stay, after sending an email to HR since I wanted things on record and they told me to provide a list, they "decided to let me not have to work out my two weeks since I was so unhappy." Technically leaving because of working environment does entitle me to unemployment. But they lied. Yeah, I'm still trying to decide how far I'm going to take this legally or if it's better for my wellbeing just to drop it and let them get away with it. Since it seems likely they will anyway. And two months later, I still don't have a job.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're going through all of that. It's all too familiar to me as well. Doing anything to rashly will definitely have its consequences. HR and Corporate organizations are absolutely evil at times. They don't care about the people they employ, just how much cash they can get. That's how it got at the Y. I hope you find employment soon!
DeleteI feel for you in all of this job anxiety. Reading Livia's comment above, I feel for her too! It is rough to be a person who has personal values, standards, and beliefs in today's working environment. I have had 10 jobs and am only in my mid 20s. I'm hard working and determined and I enter every job with the intention of staying and finding my usefulness there as you said you had hoped the YMCA would be your place to live out your working career. But it usually ends the same way, with people taking advantage of my willingness to work and that desire to do well turns into me becoming WAY too emotionally involved. When I get emotionally involved, I too get deeply hurt by my coworkers actions. To the point where I feel that I have no choice but to quit because everything is so painful. I am about to start a new job this week and I have vowed to myself that I will try my absolute best to not get emotionally involved, and to make people prove to me that they deserve my trust or respect, never to just blindly give it again. It's too bad, really. People should be able to trust that they will be in a safe environment at their jobs, that they will be allowed to voice their opinions even if they don't line up with Hollywood's. Keep going at your new job! Know that you're not alone in this struggle. As the world continues to shift farther and farther away from Christianity, us faithful people will be challenged more and more but it is definitely worth it. I hope this new job lets you be yourself and get your work done to satisfaction and then leaves you alone! hehe.
ReplyDeleteEverything you said is what I've been going through too! Trying not to emotionally involved can be difficult. You spend all day with these people and do whatever you can to help and support them, but they definitely take advantage of you in the end. You seriously can't trust anyone at all.
DeleteI am so sorry that happened to you. Leaving a job for positive reasons is one thing, but leaving because the culture of the institution has changed makes it really hard because you will miss it the way that it was before. I think that's happening a lot right now in secular organizations. I work for a Christian ministry but my sister doesn't and her workplace has undergone some very politically motivated changes over the last few years. It's disappointing because they're supposed to be a nonpartisan entity, but they're definitely not acting like it, and it's frustrating for her. I'll be praying for your healing as you adapt to your new job. Remember to give yourself lots of grace during this time.
ReplyDeleteLeaving a job for positive reasons is one thing, but leaving because the culture of the institution has changed makes it really hard because you will miss it the way that it was before. This is so true! Prior to COVID work was wonderful. I wasn't full time and certainly not making near enough money, but that time span between September of 2018 and March of 2020 was such a happy time for me. And then everything changed and I never should have gone back.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your prayers : )