The Narrative of a Newlywed

Does anyone remember (or has read) this little piece I wrote several years ago?

The Narrative of an Early Bloomer

So, up to that point I had written some posts that may not have raised eyebrows but were definitely topics that weren't being discussed in a proper context. Then Early Bloomer was posted and never had I been more scared to publish anything. Thankfully the response was positive and overwhelming and the knowledge that I was not alone in issues regarding my sexuality, the emotional damage that was done due to purity culture, the horrific double standards (within my own family; what a shocker) and the Christian community's blatant disregard for young women who are scared and confused regarding love and intimacy and their own bodies.

A year later I wrote a follow up: The Narrative of a Christian Feminist, which delved deeper into, once again, the double standards for males and single females within the Church. This also received exceptional positive feedback. 

So now we've gotten through the preamble!

June 29th. The happiest of days!

I'm celebrating my 1st anniversary in a few days! Sometimes I still can't believe that I'm married! I never thought I would ever get in a relationship, much less walk down the aisle. But after Christian walked into my life, I've been walking right beside him, and I have no desire to turn back. 

Marriage has been wonderful and beautiful. It's not always perfect, but I have always tried the keep the greater meaning in the back of mind which allows me to remember the true importance of marriage. That means I don't dwell on his negatives, because he certainly doesn't dwell on mine. Through love, there's mutual respect and absolute equality even within our differences. 

However, my road to marriage has not been as easy one (as you've read in the above posts). Being a single virgin in this society seems to be as a rare as unicorn sighting (the irony in what I just wrote!!) and at times I felt that my singleness and my standards were too high and unrealistic. Oftentimes, it seemed that people would treat me as if I was mentally delayed for being a virgin in her 30's. Or that my status as a virgin was seen as more infantilization; until you've had someone bang you then you're not ready to enter the adult world.

Example: "Oh Ivy, you can't watch that. You're too innocent." or "I won't talk about what I'm reading in front of Ivy, she's innocent."

If these remarks were made to humor me, well they didn't. They were degrading and made me feel that somehow, I wasn't a fulfilled person if I wasn't in a relationship. 

Society's pressure to have sex as soon and as much as possible is seen and heard everywhere. Sex is an inescapable part of our social structure though. It goes beyond biology and religion and is integral to even our politics. Both parties seem to have plenty to say about it. 

The Right says to get married as soon as possible and have lots of children! That is the only sure way that you'll make it through life!

The Left says it's your body; it's your choice what you want to do, who you want to and even who you want to become. 

Now growing up I always knew what was right and made the good decisions that not only benefitted me in the moment but also later on in the future. I knew full well that I was never fall for the first guy who talked to me, or that I was going to sleep around until I thought I would find the right one. My therapist once asked me why I never pursued casual sex and my response was, "It was just a safer option not to sleep around, not having to risk a pregnancy." 

Having casual sex was never an option for me and as hurtful as people could be toward me for my moral decisions, I would take it all and more than lower my standards for myself. 

The world is harsh on women when it comes to sex. We're told to save ourselves for marriage, we're told to be liberated and have as much sex as we want. Men are obviously told the same thing to, but as history has proven that society will always demand more with women's sexuality than with men's. Women have always been held to a higher standard.

Ever heard of Body count? No not the war casualty list.

It's how many people have you slept with. People, podcasters especially, seem to be obsessed with asking and knowing how much sex a person has had and with how many people. This is a big issue on both the left and the right. And guess who are the primary targets? Women. People are loving getting women to divulge with how many men (usually men) they've slept with and then dissect the wrongs and rights of their controversial decisions. 

This is obviously controversial for men, also right? No. Not really. Why?

Because for generations men have always been given the free pass to sleep around, sow their wild oats, grab and bag as many women as they want. It was acceptable, normal and encouraged. Not so much for young women. Women were valued by their virginity and purity. Women couldn't be alone with a man; women were to remain as innocent as doves until their wedding night. A virginal woman was the ultimate prize for a man who wanted to marry, even though he himself certainly wasn't one.

If a woman had lost her virginity she would be disgraced and sometimes cast out. From The Scarlet Letter to Downton Abbey, the world has told women that their value is what's between their legs and that their identity was in the fate of whoever would marry them.

To start off, I've always liked Matt Walsh and I agree with about everything he says. However, he missed several marks in this video. First, he said that women are never criticized for their sexual behavior. Please see paragraph above. Then he stated that while body counts for both men and women are red flags, for women it's an even bigger red flag...because they're emotional. 

Well, here we go again. Once again, women are the emotional ones, everything is connected to their uncontrollable feelings. The same old story that women only want the romance and never the physical. 

Now, I do agree that body counts for women are a bigger red flag, but not because of the women's emotional nature. Women's body counts are a bigger red flag because of their physical presence. Any woman who admits to sleeping with 30+ guys is most definitely high risk because every guy is just going to see her as an easy slut.

Some guy could rape her, and she would be hard put to tell people of her assault because people know her sexual history. How can she prove that she was raped? It's horrible to think about, but it is truth. While I have little respect for men and women with body counts, I do hope that women are careful about how much personal information they provide. It could be a matter of life or death. 

Sadly, this is also why marital rape wasn’t considered a crime until the 90’s. If a woman had committed her body to a man the law saw no evidence that she could be raped.

Body counts for both men and women are wrong. 

For men it may damage them emotionally. How can I trust someone whose slept with so many women? How could I stand at the alter and pledge my body to him while in his eyes I could just be the culmination of all of his conquests? The ultimate virginal prize for him to create a glorified slut in his mind.

For women it damages them physically. Sexual liberation can come with a cost; throwing yourself from man to man is almost like sending yourself to the lion's den. 

While reading through the comments, I was happy that a lot of people disagreed with Matt. Then one comment caught my attention:

Dear Matt, as a woman born in 1948, who lived through the sexual Revolution etc., I will disagree slightly with your statement regarding no one claiming sexual promiscuity among men is empowering. While that particular term was not used, the idea of the man who seduced many women was glorified in many ways, such as the James Bond movies, which came out when I was in high school. My dating experience as a young woman was very painful because of prevailing attitudes where boys were told to “sow their wild oats”, while girls were supposed to be virgins. There were simply two sets of standards for boys and girls, men and women, which had been prevalent for quite some time. My own mother was very upset when one of my sisters became sexually active, yet never cared a hoot about my brother’s escapades. And we were Catholic! Then the pill came out, and many females (not myself) felt like now, what was sauce for the gander would be sauce for the goose. And yes, they were told they were liberated now, and could be just as sexually free as men. Therefore suddenly making an issue about women’s body count does sound a bit like going back to the old double standards of my youth. I was truly blest to finally find my husband who respected my choice to wait for marriage. But I had to go through a lot of heartache before I finally met him. Needless to say, it has been even worse for our poor daughters. Just sharing my experience.

It was this part of the comment that seemed to bother me the most:

My dating experience as a young woman was very painful because of prevailing attitudes where boys were told to “sow their wild oats”, while girls were supposed to be virgins. There were simply two sets of standards for boys and girls, men and women, which had been prevalent for quite some time. My own mother was very upset when one of my sisters became sexually active, yet never cared a hoot about my brother’s escapades. And we were Catholic!

I don't know why the mention of her mother's double standards with her and her brothers kept bothering me. Then I remembered this:

From Narrative of An Early Bloomer

How many times in these Christian purity books was it mentioned that masturbation was essentially stealing your body from your future husband? Young women are dealing with high sex drives and emotions and all they want to to do is guilt trip women and make them believe that a nonexistent man has some claim over your body?? I had gotten that speech too which only angered me more.

Then the final blow came. The moment when I essentially said screw it to God and everyone. My brothers were casually talking to my mom and my sister about masturbation. Both of them replied that it was completely natural and even encourage for guys to do it. I wasn't a part of the conversation, but let me tell you, I was mad as all living hellfire.

If a woman masturbates then she's being unfaithful to her future husband.

If a guy masturbates well then that's just normal. Boys will be boys.

If there is anything that I hate, abhor and despise more, it's double standards. I have lived with double standards my whole life. And that these double standards concerning what was acceptable for men but looked down upon for women came from the mouth of my mother and sister...

Oh, those double standards on men and women's sexuality. Aren't they wonderful? 

So now that I'm married, did my years of masturbation damage my sexual relationship with my husband?

No. Not one bit. It many ways it helped. By the time I was married, I knew what I liked in my body and what I found comfortable. 

 

Is masturbation the same as my marital relationship?

No. I find that being with my husband is ultimately more satisfying. I'm not alone and I'm with someone who loves me and wants me. While masturbation feels good in the moment, it leaves me feeling empty and cold. With my husband, I feel warm and loved and have a satisfaction that lasts for hours, sometimes days. 

Has marriage stopped masturbation?

No. It will probably be a lifelong habit, but I made my husband aware of this when we were still dating, and he's never made me feel guilty or ashamed. I've learned to go to him and not to depend on myself. 

Regarding sex. It takes time. Especially when you're both virgins. It hurts and it's awkward. I got my period on my honeymoon and so romance was hard to come by. If you both love each other, then you're willing to go through the ups and downs of discovering and understanding. Our downs could be disappointing, but they were learning experiences, which makes our ups all the more wonderful. Never feel ashamed about what you're feeling and thinking. If you suppress your emotions, you'll only isolate yourself; the best thing you can do is talk to your spouse, regardless of what the concern might be. 

It's been five years since I wrote Early Bloomer. Has my life come full circle since then? 

Yes and no. All the fears and anxieties I had regarding my sexuality in my early years were nothing more than just fears and anxieties. I wasn't damaged or broken in any way. There was nothing wrong with me craving the physical, but the emotional connection is truly wonderful. There was no part of me that was taken from my husband, because my body wasn't his until we were married.

I'm still dealing with fears and anxieties, but now I have access to study and understand in ways that I didn't have when I was a child who had her own personal struggles. 

Even though I'm married, I was in the single virgin demographic for years. The woman who chose to wait, knew what she wanted, didn't compromise and lower her standards. The world still isn't kind to single women, especially conservative men who run the narrative that unmarried women are lonely and miserable and only marriage and children can make them happy. If anything, marriage has made me hyperaware of this narrative, and I can tell you that there is no shame in being single. If you're living a good and decent life, working hard, contributing to your society and to others, then that's a better use of your time and energy than throwing yourself from relationship to relationship in order just to make the world around you happy.