Sunday, August 19, 2012

Where The Sun and Stars Meet (Pt. 2)




Frigga knocked softly on Sif's door; she thought she heard her crying.

"Come in," came an unsteady answer.

Frigga walked in and to her surprise, Sif was crying. Her head was in her hands and she was breathing heavily.

"Oh my dear," said Frigga as she hurried and kneeled in front of her, "What is it? Is your head still aching?"

"No," said Sif, "I only wish it was though. It's my heart. It aches for Thor and for Kass. I feel like it shall break soon, knowing that Thor has still not loved his own daughter as he should."

Frigga sighed. She took Sif's head into her arms and stroked her long dark hair. Sif had been the closest thing to a daughter she had ever had, at least since losing her own so many years before.

"I don't know what to do," said Sif, "Please, what am I doing wrong? What must I do right to make Thor see the error of his actions?"

"There is nothing you can do," said Frigga softly, "This is something only Thor can do."

Sif wiped her face. Her husband had been through a great deal in the last several years, with Loki being banished to an unknown terrain in the cosmos, and the sudden death of the mortal woman...Jane. Yes, Thor had a lot to grieve over, but shouldn't a child bring him joy? Or peace? Or something? Rather than this constant rage he lived in toward his own daughter.

Thor loved Sif and she knew that, but Jane...his love for her was different and that love for her was still there. Sif couldn't feel any resentment toward the mortal for that. It was her that saved Thor from himself and brought him back to Asgard a better god.

Maybe Thor did just marry her out of obligation and just to produce heirs for the throne, but then there were those times when he looked at her in a certain way, or smiled at her, or speak soft words of tenderness to her, that Sif knew fully in her heart that Thor did love her.

Like he did earlier when he gently took her hand and asked how she was feeling. Couldn't some of that love for her be spared for his child? If not love Kass for himself, couldn't he just show her affection for her mother's sake?
~  ~ ~

The thunderstorm continued to rage on and on. Lightning striking every few seconds and thunder rumbling louder and louder in the distance. Thor’s anger toward his wife and resentment toward that brat of a daughter was rumbling even louder.

“Why? Why does it matter what I care about that little girl?

Because she is your daughter

Thor’s head shot up.

“Heimdall, stop.”

No. This must stop.

Well, this does not concern you or anyone else!”

Really?

Thor had enough of it. If Heimdall was going to play with his mind from across the Bifrost, he may as well go out and talk to him himself.

 
~ ~ ~

Heimdall, all seeing, all knowing god and gatekeeper of the Bifrost saw the mighty Thor riding across the bridge through the stormy weather. His blue eyes were as dark as the night sky and his face was as hard as stone. Thor stopped his horse and dismounted.

"If you have something to say to me, you can say it to my face," he demanded as he walked up to him.

The gatekeeper's golden eyes softened and said simply, "Come out of the rain."

Thor took his horse and followed Heimdall into his golden conservatory. Very rarely did the gatekeeper speak to someone's mind, but somehow Thor was always the exception.

As a gregarious and sometimes overbearing young child, Heimdall was the only person who could ever get him under control. Odin was always turning his sons over to him when he had had enough of their constant trouble making.

Thor ran his hands through his wet messy hair and sat down on the steps. To Heimdall it all seemed too familiar, like a memory from yesterday...

"Hiemdall, you must believe me!" pleaded ten year old Thor.

 "Why should I believe you?"

"Because I really am telling the truth this time! I didn't mean to push Sif down the well, it was an accident!"

"According to Loki, you seemed to get much enjoyment from this...accident," Heimdall said.

Thor's face reddened. True, he had laughed, but he didn't laugh after Sif came back up and decked him in the face. Which caused him to push her back, but this time she pulled him in with her. At the end, Loki was the only one laughing...and the only one who wasn't in trouble, either.

"I just get so mad when Sif thinks she knows everything," Thor grumbled, sitting down on the steps and looking up at the gatekeeper, "and if I tell her she might be wrong...well...I just won't tell her she's wrong anymore. That's the safest thing to do."

"That is not a wise decision," Heimdall said, "you must never lie to keep yourself safe."

"Why?" asked Thor

"Because the truth, no matter how painful it might seem at the time, is always the right thing to say."

"Well...then I...I just won't talk to Sif anymore," Thor said, but his face was still bright red.

Heimdall smiled, "You have a long way to go"...

"There was a point in time when you always came to me with your problems," Heimdall said.

"That's when I was a child," said Thor

"And shouldn't your child be able to go to you for her problems?"

"Heimdall, I did not ride all the way out here to have you lecture me about being a parent, which is something I don't think you've ever been. So don't impart wisdom to me on a subject you know nothing about!"

Thor was about to walk out when Heimdall said, "You are the closest thing to a son I have ever had. And if it was only you, then so be it. I have been with you in every stage of your life, the good and the bad. Through love and through loss."

“Loss,” thought Thor, “Loki, Jane…Netta.”

“All that I have lost has been my fault,” said Thor in a choked voice.

“That’s not true,” Heimdall said.

“Isn’t it?” asked Thor looking up at him, “I could have saved them.”

“No, you couldn’t and you have nothing to feel guilty about and no right to blame yourself.”

“Netta is dead because of me!” Thor shouted, “and I know my parents blame me every single day for it!”

“Have you asked them?”

“I don’t need too,” Thor growled.

“I saw what happened,” Heimdall said, “those many years ago.”

“Well, you don’t have to remind me of it!” shouted Thor, “I can’t sleep at night without hearing her screams! Her screams for me to rescue her! And I didn’t come! I didn’t save her!”

“You were a little boy, an eleven year old boy, who was just as scared as she was. No one would expect you to be able to save her.”

“I could have at least tried,” said Thor.

Heimdall was silent for a second and then he said, “Guilt can do much damage to our souls. It holds us back and separates us from others. It is a constant reminder of our past that imprisons any hope of a future. You can’t live like this.”

Thor looked up at him, his eyes filled with tears.

The gatekeeper knelt down in front of him and looked him straight in the eyes, “Kass is not Netta. Your sister was your father’s daughter and was his responsibility alone. Not the responsibility of his eleven year old son. Kass is not Loki. Loki was not, and still is not, your responsibility. You did everything you could to save him, but in the end he destroyed himself.”

Tears began to fall down Thor’s face. Heimdall went on.

“Jane…was the victim of a terrible accident that was in no relation to you. Just because you were not there, does not mean you are to blame.”

Thor thought about what Heimdall had said.

You are not to blame.

Netta was only a baby. She was three when she…when she had followed him and Loki to the stables.

Guilt keeps you in the past.

It seemed only yesterday…

End of Pt. 2

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