To Be Alone--My Struggle with Loneliness

In January of 2019 I wrote this post The Popular Girl (Not) and to my surprise, I found it to be very relieving. After almost 10 years online and I'm just now allowing myself to express who I am, my thoughts, feelings, heartaches and past issues in my writing. So often, I used writing to mask what I was really feeling; almost a form of therapy to vent my emotions. Writing that post last year was the beginning of well...for lack of a better term...revealing myself to the world. A vulnerable and terrifying thing to do, but I feel so much stronger when I take that uncertain step and let my words take over. Since then I've written about abortion, menstrual cycles, political and religious beliefs, my own childhood struggles, personal family stories and feminism, with certainly more to come.

One issue has been the loneliness I have found myself living in my whole life. As I had expressed in The Popular Girl (Not) post, I was homeschooled with very little socialization and what I did get tended to be negative. I'm turning 30 in a few weeks and I still find myself in a state of loneliness and lack of companionship. As I've recently written, as the middle of my family I was always alone and living in my head. I created stories that I enjoyed acting out. However, this led to a very damaging habit of frequently talking to myself. 

For as long as I can remember, I always talked to myself. Some people think it's nothing to worry about, but for me it was, once again, another lifelong struggle. I would often make up stories from my favorite movies or books and act out all of the characters. So I probably did sound like I was insane. However, I stand by the fact that my life of being alone and never having anyone to talk to contributed to this habit. In the last week, I've actually gotten control of it, but it has been terrible habit that I've always found hard to break. Suddenly I've just found the stamina to stop. And I'm relived that almost 30 years of this damaging habit may be coming to an end. I do slip up from time to time, but I always catch myself. 

Talking to myself was another habit of mine, where my family was of very little help. My mother yelled at me, told me that I sounded like a lunatic. She accused me (and still does) of frequently living in a 'fantasy world.' A world that she has never bothered to ask why I escape to or what do I really think about or feel. As a child I may lived in my own little world as a coping mechanism for my constant loneliness. I may have created things that my family found laughable and stupid. When I got older, that changed.

It might surprise people to find out that this 'fantasy world' of mine is made up of stories that I create that help me cope with all that frightens me. When the real world begins to become too big for me, I make sense of it in my mind. Issues such as rape, abuse, fear, disabilities, death, war, pain, humiliation, suffering. I think on these frequently. I create stories from them and try to make sense of the bigger world that way. I wouldn't have any need of this fantasy world, if I actually had someone I could go to. Someone who would listen to me and not demean me for what I say. Which frequently happens. 

This fantasy world is not made up of sunshine and rainbows. It's made from reality. Maybe I might create a world about a princess or a magician. Someone who has lost her father and fights likes hell to get him back. Because the worst thing that could possibly happen to me is lose my own dad. Isn't that what the great British authors like Tolkien and Lewis and Rowling did? Take their fears and loneliness and create their own worlds and cultures from them? Weren't their stories fantastical allegories of their own personal lives?

Another contributing factor to both of these is that autism runs in my family. And while it may have something to do with the lifelong habits of mine, I'm not always going to use the disability excuse. I know I may have autistic tendencies, but I don't really think that it's 100% the problem either. I'm not going to use autism as the final answer for my personal struggles. It's the same for my social anxiety as well. Sometimes I'm terrified to be around people and other times I'm completely comfortable. It's never really black and white with my situation.

I enjoy the job that I'm at and I think I can be very beneficial there. I like my co-workers, but unfortunately that's all they are to me. Just co-workers. In over two years at my job, I've never actually developed any close friendships. I was usually sectioned off in one area where I was primarily by myself while everyone else were all working together, therefore creating their own little group. Not my fault or theirs, it's just the way our work turned out.

However, now everyone is primarily working in the same area and I'm just as cut off as before. At 29, I'm (age wise) considered the most senior member on staff. Everyone else is either a teen (17 and over) or a young adult. The next oldest after me is 27. And yet, everyone has bonded together in their own little work clique where it is made glaringly obvious that I'm not welcomed. Nobody has ever been outwardly rude to me. However, I learned long ago it's what people don't say that is the most damaging. 

I remind myself that they're young and they don't want to be bothered with someone older. There's probably some truth to that. However, when you constantly hear them talk about going out to eat or buying each other food at work or getting their nails done or spending time together after work or interacting on social media while you yourself are completely left out, well that can be hurtful to anyone. If I had other friends of my own, this certainly wouldn't be a problem, but the truth is I don't. 

Really, it's not even the friendship aspect that bothers me. It's the constant personal exclusion I have to face everyday when they stand around and talk and laugh and have fun and I myself, alone and holding back tears desperately wondering (like I have my whole life) what is wrong with me? What am I doing wrong, saying wrong? Am I really just to old to interact with them? Is this really a big deal? When it's your co-workers, people you have to get along with, then yes it is a big deal. You should want to spend time with the people you work with and get to know them. 

I'm reading a book right now about 12 girls who grew up together and have remained friends for 40 years. They have experiences that I could only dream of. It's hard reading stories such as theirs when I'm constantly reminded of how truly alone and cut off from people I am. It's strange that for someone who hates being around people, I also have this great desire to be accepted and wanted. It could also be the other way around. Maybe it's the lack of acceptance from others that has made me despise people so much. 

Years and years of trying to reach out to people only to get hurt or lied to or abandoned may have made me somewhat cynical and at times even hostile. I don't trust people, but I'm not outwardly mean or cruel to them. I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. When you spend your life in constant loneliness, you tend to want to make sure no one feels the same way. I always make sure to include everyone in conversations or not to get so wrapped up in a discussion that I'm ignoring someone else who is by themselves. People may not have reached out to me, but I never want anyone to feel the way I do. So, I reach out and let people know that they are accepted and they don't have to feel unwanted. 

EDIT

Due to internet outage, I had to stop my writing last night

Today I talked to one of my co-workers, asked her if there were people who may have issues with me and if I was doing something wrong. She said that people have complained that I don't smile enough, which kind of surprised me because I have to wear a mask all the time. Then she told me that at times I do come off as unfriendly. It wasn't easy to ask or to listen to the grievances people had against me, but I'm glad I did. She also went on to say that the primary age group among the workers is 17-21. She herself is 23. So these younger co-workers are much more inclined to want to spend time with people their own age. That's understandable. 

I guess it all comes down to the fact that they just may not be interested in spending time with someone they could consider 'much older' than them. The co-worker I talked to is younger than me and closer to their age, so she would clearly be a better fit for them. Well, at least I know the truth, what people think about me and what I'm able to do. Like I said, I try to be be as genuinely kind and as friendly as possible and all I can do is try. 

Loneliness can be a mental issue. Over the years I have tried to break out of my shell, find employment that gets me around people and learn how to have a proper conversation without my mind going blank. Yet, the loneliness is still there. The fear and the self-doubt that have always plagued me are there in the back of my mind. I can't make people like me. I can't force my younger co-workers to accept me. I'm not the easiest person in the world to get along with, but I do try and make the world better for people. I try to accept others, invite them into conversations, offer to help them, ask them about their lives and that's all I can do. The reciprocation of my actions are left to the other person.

I would enjoy having friendships outside my family, but we can't always have what we want. We take what the world has given us and we make it work. My personal life has been a lonely one; void of emotional contact with people. Yet, even within that lonely state, I have learned to seek out the loss and loneliness in others. To not treat others as I have been treated. And if I find a connection with someone, a smile, a laugh, a brief getting to know one another, just talking about our likes and dislikes for five minutes, knowing I started that and wondering where it might lead to. My loneliness has been a burden, but for all that, it has also gifted me with the insight to desire to understand people. To let others know that for one small space of time, they were not alone.