A Thousand Words

     How strange it is, that an inanimate object can target so much emotion. That's what she always thought and felt everytime she saw it. It being that picture. And that picture that she couldn't abide to look at. That everyone else saw as fun and delightful, but only brought a thousand words representing a thousand emotions to her mind. Well, maybe not a thousand, but far be it from her to change a famous, but truthful quote.

    Maybe she was being too sensitive. Everyone always said she was too sensitive, always blowing things out of proportion or context. Far too dramatic. Never thankful or grateful for anything. Maybe there was some truth to all they said about her. She tried not to give them that impression, tried to be the best she could be. Put a smile on her face, never bother people with her problems, always be the good girl and shy wallflower everyone expected her to be.

    It all happened because she had gotten sick. Normally she was always in good health, but when she was sick it was misery. Her mom and sisters had planned an all girls outing to a favorite family amusement park that they had been going to for years. At the time it hadn't bothered her that she wasn't going. She had already gone numerous times that summer and there would be several more occasions to go herself before the summer was over.

     So, they left and she enjoyed the quiet day to herself. Looking back after so many years, she doesn't really remember what she did during that day, but what does that matter? It was when nighttime came, and her mom and sisters returned, that she had remembered the most.

    "How was everything,?" she asked as they all barreled into the kitchen.

    "Wonderful!" her mom said, putting a bag on a table.

     "Look what we ended up doing!" Mom continued excitedly, as she pulled something out of the bag, "I can't believe it's taken us so long to finally do it!"

     And that's what she first came face to face with it. That picture. Her mom and sisters had decided to take a fun wild west portrait at the family amusement park. At first glance, anyone else would have found it funny, but for her...she felt overwhelming anger. 

    "They did that? Without me? The one time I'm sick and I didn't go and they decided to do a family portrait?!"

    Her absence was clearly noticeable and she wondered if other people would ask about it. Ask where she was. She wondered if her mom or any of her sisters had asked themselves that, before they went off and did this. Now, Mom and her sisters were far from stupid, but she had to really wonder where their intelligence was that day.

    Did they really think, really honestly think that they were going to show her an expensive picture of all of them together...without her, on the one day she couldn't go and not expect her to be somewhat hurt about that?

    Looking at that picture. A simple black and white portrait of her mom and sisters dressed up in wild west garb and her not there. So many, many things came. Anger, confusion, sadness. All of it at once. 

    "So you like it?" her mom asked

    "Of course, it's lovely" she said, holding back the tears and the urge to ask why the hell they had gone off and done this.

    Then everything went back to normal. Those few seconds of viewing that picture had seemed like an eternity. However, she had held up. Had lied to her family and they never suspected a thing. Throughout her life she had really honed her lying abilities. Something she shouldn't be proud of, but it kept her out of trouble. 

    She certainly wasn't going to cause a scene. That would have just been selfish. She tried to reason that it wasn't personal, maybe it was a last minute decision, maybe this would have been the last time they would have all been able to go together. But that was the thing, they weren't together. She wasn't there. She knew it wasn't personal, that they hadn't done it to hurt her, but the hurt was there all the same. 

    They hadn't given any explanation as to why they just randomly decided to take this picture; nor had they promised they would do another one with her in it, the next time they went. 

    Then she left and went back to her room to lay down. She had had enough for one night.

** ** ** ** **

    Her sister had kept that portrait and put it out to view in her apartment. And everytime she saw it, she hated it even more. She wanted to smash the damn thing. How could they not have realized how much that picture hurt her? How could they not take into consideration how it might make her feel left out (not like that feeling was anything new. Play your violin if you want. Her feelings didn't give a f*ck).  The one time she didn't go. 

    It had ruined any love she had of the family amusement park. Everytime she saw that photo-booth, she had a desire to go and get her own portrait done, without anyone from her family. Just her, by herself. No one else was needed and as far as she was concerned, she didn't want them with her. Yet, she could never bring herself to do it. 

    The only instance that came close to the family picture was when her friend...well former friend, had decided to attend the homeschooling prom with some other friends from church. She had known nothing about this until they were talking about it afterwards. 

    "I had no idea there was a prom," she had said.

    "Yeah..." said her friend casually, "We forgot to tell you."

     Forgot to tell her? She lived two houses down from her once friend and they had all gotten ready at her friend's house. This had all happened while she herself was at home and not one person bothered to go and ask her. 

    She didn't want to feel like Cinderella, but Christ Almighty, could her friend have been anymore publicly obvious about how she wasn't wanted? Thank God that friendship ended. Something she didn't lose sleep over.

    So, she had been hurt by people more than once. She never tried to think it was personal, but were people so clueless about common decency toward others, that they just don't think about the harmful emotional consequences of their actions?

    She hasn't seen the picture in ages. Good. She hoped it was buried somewhere in storage where she would never have to relive those moments of anger and sadness. 

    A picture is worth a thousand words. A thousand words she would probably never say. She would know what the outcome would be if she said anything. The barrage of scoffs and eye rolling and the 'get over yourself and move on,' attitude. Then some yelling and talking behind her back about how ungrateful she was. No. She kept her words to herself. She loved her family and wouldn't hold one thoughtless action against them. 

    She surrounded herself with other pictures. Art, nature, beauty. Overtime, she knew that the hated picture would mean nothing to her. The thousand words maybe creeping up from time time. However, there were better words for her to say in her life.