I never thought I would be one of these people who spent all night tossing and turning because of personal problems and then finally get up and write about them, yet here we are. One may find this post filled with sarcasm and frustration so intense it borders on vitriol. The only person who can really benefit from it is me.
Have you ever had someone tell you that you can always come to them if you have any problems? I certainly have. And guess what the response is when I tell them my problems?
You're just feeling sorry for yourself
Get over it.
It's not about you.
That kind of defeats the purpose of the original offer. It also makes me so averse to trusting people, that I know I can never let others know how I feel. Unless I write about it. Yet, I will try and avoid all issues of self-pity, I will try and limit my issues and not make this post entirely about me.
(Vitriol or sarcasm? I'll let you choose)
In a post that I wrote last year, To Be Alone--My Struggle with Loneliness, where I finally confessed my lifelong struggle with loneliness, my inability to make friendships, personal lifelong habits and work relationships. It was reliving to finally be able to vent about my issues, but to be honest, nothing has changed either.
For as long as I can remember, I was told by my family that whatever problems I have in my life, they were my fault. I was responsible, I was the issue. I don't mean that in a negative or derogatory way, but that's how it's always looked to me. I try and fix myself, I try to monitor everything that comes out of my mouth. I try and try and try. That's all one can do. However you can only try so much before it begins to break you down.
People wonder why I'm so closed off. I'm not asking for people to feel sorry for me, that's the last thing I want, but I would like them to shut-up long enough for me to talk about my problems. I'm not asking for them to fix me, I just want someone to talk to. It's natural for families to want to help each other, but when the help is unasked for then it becomes demeaning. As I've been told, certain family members have complained that I seem to be angry and negative all the time. I don't mean to come off that way. I'm venting my frustration, but they always seem to think that I'm just a bitch who should keep her mouth shut.
Oh, wait I'm feeling sorry for myself. I shouldn't be doing that.
I would love to be able to report that my problems at work have been resolved, but they haven't. I do enjoy my job very much. I'm content with it. However, contentment and happiness aren't always synonymous with one another. My co-workers are still my co-worker, not friends. I've followed a few on Instagram, but neither of them have followed back. Not their fault, it's mine. Stop expecting people to like you all the time.
Overtime I've tried not to let it bother me and usually it works. Sometimes I have days where I can be more open to others and enjoy myself. However, it would be nice to have someone ask me how my day is going, how my life has been, what my enjoyments in my life are. No one has. I'm still the one asking questions, showing interest, reaching out the hand of friendship and still end up feeling more alone than ever.
Shit, I'm feeling sorry for myself. Am I ever going to learn?
I've found that church has been just as bad. Churches boast about acceptance and fellowship and for the most part that's true. Except an experience at a Wednesday night meal has shown me otherwise. I went to the mid-week meal and Bible study by myself. Before I had gone with my sister, who is somewhat more outgoing than me. I had fun and thought that maybe I could do this alone. Well I went and not one person acknowledged me at all. A rather humiliating situation to sit at the table and eat by yourself and certainly one that I won't repeat again. Churches are just as hypocritical as the rest of the world.
Is that sounding to self-pitying? Talking about an event that left me alone? I'm sorry for you. I'm so sorry I've subjected you to this.
Home, church, work, it all seems to be the same story. Maybe there is something wrong me. Maybe I'm trying too hard and that puts people off. I know I should just smile and not respond when people say hurtful things to me or say nothing at all. My mind is filled with 100 thing that I want the world to know, but why bother at times? All I've known is being interrupted and ignored. It's my fault though. That damaged unseen part of me that I can't seem to find and fix.
I'm told that I'm too quiet, so I speak out more. Then I'm told to shut up because I offended people.
It's either I'm a wallflower or I'm a bitch. It makes sense though. I've always been a black and white person, no shades of gray. Yet, I can't always be both. And the truth is, I am angry and I don't know why. I'm angry for the smallest reasons and then guilty afterwards. I am so angry that I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong or how to fix myself. It's not the world's or people's place to make me happy or accept me. It's my responsibility to be happy.
All my life I've avoided conflict and I try to live everyday without causing issues or problems. My life is like a tightrope forever balancing and afraid that I'm going to drop. I want to make people proud of me, I want people to see and notice my accomplishments in life. My dad told me it's not about making other people happy, it's about making myself happy. I am thankful for that. At least he sees that no amount of people-pleasing will ever bring me satisfaction.
And maybe that's the problem. My problem is I have spent so much time making people happy and making sure that they are not inconvenienced that I've overlooked my own self. It may and it may not be. It's not going to solve my anxiety at family functions when I'm afraid of every word I say or every action that I might make.
Last night for example when I said something incredibly stupid and my sister practically attacked me for not understanding. I need to stop entering family conversations all together. I'm always saying the wrong things at the wrong time. I get so embarrassed that I retreat into reading or writing. Sometimes what I have to say isn't worth saying or hearing. I just want enter a conversation to feel accepted. However, if you can't fully comprehend what people are talking about then you only look like a fool.
That wasn't so bad, was it? Talking about my problems, but making sure I admitted that I was the one in the wrong. I've come a long way in such a short amount of time.
For all of those who have endured this rant (in the same way that they always survive some of my mammoth movie reviews. I am trying to condense those. I really am), God bless you for it. I've talked about work, church and family. Unfortunately I can't avoid work and certainly can't avoid family. Church is up and down. To be honest, the one place I felt like I could honestly be myself was the bookstore I volunteered at. I miss it there and the people. I need to go back. That might help with a lot of my issues.
Look at me! Finding solutions to my problems! Not an ounce of self-pity there!
I am thankful for this blog though. For the few that read what I write and leave your comments, I'm thankful for you too. It's always satisfying to find people are who going through the same problems. And to end this, I try so hard not to have people feel sorry for me. I keep my mouth shut on personal issues that might sound self-pitying or word them in ways that make it look like I actually have it together. Like I said, my life is tightrope right now. I'm just working hard to get to the other side.
This sounds similar to how I feel sometimes (I'm the "black sheep" of the family or so it feels), but my moods are extremely erratic, sometimes I feel like this and plan to move (runaway) to another state and other times I don't feel this way and that it will all work out or some such lazy thing, so I don't really progress very fast in any meaningful direction but just sort of float along. I'm planning on therapy this year, possibly also some sort of life or social skills coaching, have you considered this?
ReplyDeleteSometimes I think I'm the "black sheep," but in many ways I'm not either. My moods do tend to swing rapidly around too. There are times when I'm just so frustrated and angry and I just want someone to listen. And if they want to offer sound and helpful advice, I'm more than willing tot take it. I don't think I'm at the point for therapy, but having this site and venting in posts has helped a great deal. I do hope everything works out for you.
DeleteI'm so sorry your feeling like this. Loneliness is so hard to deal with especially when you see no end to it. I hope you find someone who accepts every part of your personality whether your a wallflower or a bitch if someone likes you they won't care. Your dad's right too, you should make yourself happy too. Coming from someone who is a big people pleaser. I pulled back a lot last year and focused on myself. Surprisingly instead of people being annoyed by that they seemed to respect me more. (Though some people still got annoyed.)
ReplyDeleteEither way it's been an improvement.
Thanks. It's always good when you find people who can relate to your situations. In many ways I want to be respected more than being noticed. I know that doesn't make sense, but it's what I'm striving for. My family likes to joke around with one another, but I've oftentimes noticed that they frequently joke about me. Whether it's my problems in school or social situations and it comes to a point where I'm thinking, "Are they joking or is this really how they feel about me?" That feeling of disrespect that comes from your own family can be worse that the feeling of neglect and loneliness. And unfortunately I haven't been able to achieve much in my life to really obtain any respect. So, to be able to find a place in my life where my family can actually respect me as a person has been a long one.
DeleteI read your post here earlier this morning (twice actually <3).
ReplyDeleteThat's a hard path to walk and all really rough. It's heartbreaking especially to hear of such difficult church and family challenges and how difficult it must be not to have a 'safe zone' anywhere.
Since reading, I've been trying to think through good words that would be halfway adequately encouraging... and I realized I do have a link to a talk from a conference I found that might be helpful. I think you said you like forthrightness and the speaker is nothing if not honest and hard-hitting. ;P I think I've listened to it four times over the last couple months and found it really thought provoking (and frightfully convicting). You might have already thought through some of the things she mentions and I don't want to sound like I'm rushing in all obnoxious and preachy or anything, but I really really wanted to actually share something concrete. Here's the link if you want to look at it: https://youtu.be/caqqbH8RV7A
Sending love <3
Thank you so much! Your response alone means so much. I will definitely watch the video and I appreciate your help. That's usually why I write these posts; they're less venting and more like a cry for help. I just need someone to listen and if they can, give sound advice or even tell me about similar experiences.
DeleteAwww... I hope it helped!
DeleteShe just posted a short thing (8 min long) that's also really interesting. The Disney thing is an attention getter. ;) Personally I have some dear favorite stories there AND I don't think all Disney's fall in this category, but you know, it's for the sake of argument/talking about mainstream philosophies. Anyway, I thought of sharing it cause she wraps up with talking about the sense of identity that comes from resting in how God made YOU, all of you. Of course, any sin always needs to be dealt with, but God fashioned each one of us specifically and wonderfully, and so we need to be eyes on Christ and hang on there -- HARD. Here's that second link: https://youtu.be/xg8U_juo_DY
Sending hugs <3
Thank you so much for your recommendations and your overall kindness. I’m glad I can find people who understand and are willing to listen and help. That alone means so much to me <3
DeleteIt's tough to feel like another person is really a "safe" person to talk to about your struggles if they never seem to respond appropriately, or never seem to really understand what you meant. I definitely tend to not talk to many people about the deeper things I'm working through for that very reason. It can be frustrating and isolating.
ReplyDeleteI also know what you mean about people taking whatever form of emotional expression you choose to employ as a bad thing. Either you're too demonstrative, or you're too shut-off. It's like you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.
And I appreciate your honesty in pointing out how churches are usually just as bad as anywhere else. It seems like we haven't reached that level of self-awareness yet.
Thank you. If you can't trust your family with your struggles and your problems then you certainly can't trust anyone else.
DeleteIt's sad having to write about my church experience, but it's angered me for quite a while. I didn't even go to church after I wrote this pose because I couldn't put up with the falseness at the time.