Frigga
knocked softly on Sif's door; she thought she heard her crying.
"Come
in," came an unsteady answer.
Frigga
walked in and to her surprise, Sif was crying. Her head was in her hands and
she was breathing heavily.
"Oh
my dear," said Frigga as she hurried and kneeled in front of her,
"What is it? Is your head still aching?"
"No,"
said Sif, "I only wish it was though. It's my heart. It aches for Thor and
for Kass. I feel like it shall break soon, knowing that Thor has still not
loved his own daughter as he should."
Frigga
sighed. She took Sif's head into her arms and stroked her long dark hair. Sif
had been the closest thing to a daughter she had ever had, at least since
losing her own so many years before.
"I
don't know what to do," said Sif, "Please, what am I doing wrong?
What must I do right to make Thor see the error of his actions?"
"There
is nothing you can do," said Frigga softly, "This is something only
Thor can do."
Sif
wiped her face. Her husband had been through a great deal in the last several
years, with Loki being banished to an unknown terrain in the cosmos, and the
sudden death of the mortal woman...Jane. Yes, Thor had a lot to grieve over,
but shouldn't a child bring him joy? Or peace? Or something? Rather than this
constant rage he lived in toward his own daughter.
Thor
loved Sif and she knew that, but Jane...his love for her was different and that
love for her was still there. Sif couldn't feel any resentment toward the
mortal for that. It was her that saved Thor from himself and brought him back
to Asgard a better god.
Maybe
Thor did just marry her out of obligation and just to produce heirs for the
throne, but then there were those times when he looked at her in a certain way,
or smiled at her, or speak soft words of tenderness to her, that Sif knew fully
in her heart that Thor did love her.
Like
he did earlier when he gently took her hand and asked how she was feeling. Couldn't
some of that love for her be spared for his child? If not love Kass for
himself, couldn't he just show her affection for her mother's sake?
~ ~ ~
The
thunderstorm continued to rage on and on. Lightning striking every few seconds
and thunder rumbling louder and louder in the distance. Thor’s anger toward his
wife and resentment toward that brat of a daughter was rumbling even louder.
“Why? Why does it matter what I care about that little girl?
Because she is your daughter
Thor’s
head shot up.
“Heimdall, stop.”
No. This must stop.
“Well, this does not concern you or anyone else!”
Really?
Thor
had enough of it. If Heimdall was going to play with his mind from across the
Bifrost, he may as well go out and talk to him himself.
~ ~ ~
Heimdall,
all seeing, all knowing god and gatekeeper of the Bifrost saw the mighty Thor
riding across the bridge through the stormy weather. His blue eyes were as dark
as the night sky and his face was as hard as stone. Thor stopped his horse and
dismounted.
"If
you have something to say to me, you can say it to my face," he demanded
as he walked up to him.
The
gatekeeper's golden eyes softened and said simply, "Come out of the
rain."
Thor
took his horse and followed Heimdall into his golden conservatory. Very rarely did the
gatekeeper speak to someone's mind, but somehow Thor was always the exception.
As
a gregarious and sometimes overbearing young child, Heimdall was the only
person who could ever get him under control. Odin was always turning his sons
over to him when he had had enough of their constant trouble making.
Thor
ran his hands through his wet messy hair and sat down on the steps. To Heimdall
it all seemed too familiar, like a memory from yesterday...
"Hiemdall, you must believe me!" pleaded ten year
old Thor.
"Why should I believe you?"
"Because I really am telling the truth this time! I
didn't mean to push Sif down the well, it was an accident!"
"According to Loki, you seemed to get much enjoyment
from this...accident," Heimdall said.
Thor's face reddened. True, he had laughed, but he didn't
laugh after Sif came back up and decked him in the face. Which caused him to
push her back, but this time she pulled him in with her. At the end, Loki was
the only one laughing...and the only one who wasn't in trouble, either.
"I just get so mad when Sif thinks she knows everything,"
Thor grumbled, sitting down on the steps and looking up at the gatekeeper,
"and if I tell her she might be wrong...well...I just won't tell her she's
wrong anymore. That's the safest thing to do."
"That is not a wise decision," Heimdall said,
"you must never lie to keep yourself safe."
"Why?" asked Thor
"Because the truth, no matter how painful it might seem
at the time, is always the right thing to say."
"Well...then I...I just won't talk to Sif
anymore," Thor said, but his face was still bright red.
Heimdall smiled, "You have a long way to go"...
"There
was a point in time when you always came to me with your problems," Heimdall
said.
"That's
when I was a child," said Thor
"And
shouldn't your child be able to go to you for her problems?"
"Heimdall,
I did not ride all the way out here to have you lecture me about being a
parent, which is something I don't think you've ever been. So don't impart
wisdom to me on a subject you know nothing about!"
Thor
was about to walk out when Heimdall said, "You are the closest thing to a
son I have ever had. And if it was only you, then so be it. I have been with
you in every stage of your life, the good and the bad. Through love and through
loss."
“Loss,” thought
Thor, “Loki, Jane…Netta.”
“All
that I have lost has been my fault,” said Thor in a choked voice.
“That’s
not true,” Heimdall said.
“Isn’t
it?” asked Thor looking up at him, “I could have saved them.”
“No,
you couldn’t and you have nothing to feel guilty about and no right to blame
yourself.”
“Netta
is dead because of me!” Thor shouted, “and I know my parents blame me every
single day for it!”
“Have
you asked them?”
“I
don’t need too,” Thor growled.
“I
saw what happened,” Heimdall said, “those many years ago.”
“Well,
you don’t have to remind me of it!” shouted Thor, “I can’t sleep at night
without hearing her screams! Her screams for me to rescue her! And I didn’t
come! I didn’t save her!”
“You
were a little boy, an eleven year old boy, who was just as scared as she was.
No one would expect you to be able to save her.”
“I
could have at least tried,” said Thor.
Heimdall
was silent for a second and then he said, “Guilt can do much damage to our
souls. It holds us back and separates us from others. It is a constant reminder
of our past that imprisons any hope of a future. You can’t live like this.”
Thor
looked up at him, his eyes filled with tears.
The
gatekeeper knelt down in front of him and looked him straight in the eyes, “Kass
is not Netta. Your sister was your father’s daughter and was his responsibility
alone. Not the responsibility of his eleven year old son. Kass is not Loki. Loki
was not, and still is not, your responsibility. You did everything you could to
save him, but in the end he destroyed himself.”
Tears
began to fall down Thor’s face. Heimdall went on.
“Jane…was
the victim of a terrible accident that was in no relation to you. Just because
you were not there, does not mean you are to blame.”
Thor
thought about what Heimdall had said.
You are not
to blame.
Netta
was only a baby. She was three when she…when she had followed him and Loki to the
stables.
Guilt keeps
you in the past.
It
seemed only yesterday…
End of Pt. 2
